Envy
by Jaelawyn Noble
Summary: Sirius’ envy.


Envy

Jaelawyn Noble [ Jaelawyn@comcast.net ]

Disclaimer: Love 'em, dun own 'em.  
Warnings: null  
Fandom: HP  
Rating: PG  
Pairing: null  
Archive:   
Summary: Sirius' envy.  
Feedback: 'm a whore for it.  
Notation: Time kinda skips this fic. It's all mostly a flashback, sorta, on the thoughts Sirius had when in Azkaban.

~

Envy is such an easy, non-complex emotion. It is a fact of life. It was a fact that Sirius knew very well. He had finally run away from home, was finally free, even if freedom was only a word to say he passed from one form of tyranny to another. The summer he had spent with James was wonderful, if bitterly painful.

James had everything he didn't. Freedom, in every sense and definition of the word, love, hope, joy. He had it all. He had a life that would go some place, had a girl who was crazy about him and he crazy for her. His life was all laid out before him.

Sirius' life, though, was not even remotely as happy nor as clear. He knew that after he left Hogwarts, he would be alone. Peter was going to work for his family, Remus was going to try and pursue a job as one of the Unspeakables, James was going to be an Auror and marry Lily – who was to be an Auror herself – and live happily and have lots of children. Life for his friends would be perfect. Peter wouldn't be happy, of course, because he was a talentless worm; Remus was one of the smartest people in their year, and the only thing that would hold him back from getting the job he so desired would be the ugly little secret that he was a werewolf, and therefore, unsafe; James and Lily would be absolutely delirious with joy.

Sirius, it would seem, would be left alone, without any of his friends, without a real reason to care. His friends would leave him to pursue their own paths, while he would become the old drunkard in the pub, muttering to himself, envious of everyone and put up with only because he could hex and jinx you into the next millennia.

Envy. It all came down to that little, snide, bitter green voice inside him that whispered that the only reason James or the others even bothered with his was because he was a pity case, rather a lot like Peter. Oh, but Sirius had more of a temper and was smarter than Peter, and therefore was wonderful to have around for evil and nasty little tricks.

None of the others knew how he felt, nor did they know how much he hated them each for their joy, how much he wanted that joy to vanish. They never knew how he wanted them to feel like he felt, how he felt every single day, how much he was forced to be was he was.

Azkaban was nothing compared to the hell of his own mind, Sirius knew that. Sitting in his cell, legs drawn up as he glared at the bars across his bedroom, he remembered how he felt, how much envy he held for his friends. Even now, though, even now he envied them.

James and Lily, dead, free in every sense of the word, were together, had died together, had saved their son together. Often enough, when they were dating, you could never tell where one person ended and the other began. He had been thoroughly envious at their wedding, bitter at his own misfortune and ill-luck in life, yet the two of them went out of their way to cheer him up, and eventually, he was happy – happy for them, but that ugly, envious little feeling was stuffed way down inside him, where none knew about it.

Remus, his dear golden friend, was doing wonderful. Fudge loved to tell him what his old friends were up to, not that there were many left alive or sane. Remus was a teacher, he had been an Unspeakable, for a short while, before they had kicked him out. Now, though…now, he was a teacher, teaching anything from Muggle schools to magickal classes in Magick schools. His life, though cursed every Moon by the werewolf inside, was just as wonderful as he had ever wanted.

Peter, the miserable whelp…oh, Sirius was even envious of him. He was free, not once more trapped like Sirius was. No, the whelp was hidden from all, waiting for the slightest news that Voldemort was back before striking at the one person Voldemort hated the most, James' son – Harry.

Oh, he envied them all. They had never been trapped, neither in Azkaban or in their own homes, never told how useless or worthless they were, never told how little they meant. James was the golden one, with all the glory. Remus was the smart one, good, the teacher's pet with all the answers. Peter was the pity-case, the one everyone helped because he probably wouldn't even have learned to walk or talk if he hadn't been in a Wizarding family. None of them knew how much pain _he_ was in, oh no, they never noticed.

They never noticed how he never went out with anyone for more than a day, how he refused to let anyone near him, how much he regularly defied everything of authority because the ones in authority were the ones who regularly made his life a living hell.

No…they never knew. They never would. Envy was all he had felt around them. Envy, and the slightest affection. Envy was all he could feel, all he ever would feel. Envy was the only thing he knew.


End file.
